Time Capsule

2008-02-20T21:53:00.002+08:00

When it is not, I wish it is.

When it is, I wish it is not.

When I have not, I wish I have.

When I have, I wish I have not.

Songs

2007-10-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

Two songs that I currently listen to no less than 20 times a day..

如果你也听说 by A-Mei

心動.心痛 by Will Liu, featuring Evonne Hsu

One of my own (Finally)

2007-09-09T18:05:00.000+08:00

After copying artwork by pro for quite some time, I have decided to put my drawing skill to the test - by drawing an artwork purely from my imagination. The end result is rather satisfying, although the idea of the artwork isn't original at all. I'm pretty much patching up pieces from different puzzles to form a new one. But still, it feels good when you can get things done by yourself. Here goes:

Night Elf Rejuvenist

Bleh..

Here's another one that I copy from a pro artist.

Terran Ghost

Girls...

2007-08-30T23:08:00.000+08:00

I don't feel shameful in admitting that I have never had a girlfriend before. I have dated (read: went out with) two different girls before, but even that I am not sure if they qualify as 'dating'. In any case, I am a real virgin of relationship.

Up to the moment when I left my secondary school, my mother had been constantly reminding me not to have a girlfriend until I have finished my study. As young and innocent as I was, I listened to her, just like every other words she would say. Soon enough, girls would become a taboo between my mother and I, and I would be careful not enough not to be spotted being too close or too friendly with a girl. For instant, I would be very nervous if a female classmate told me that she wanted to call to my house because I wondered what my mum would say when she picked up the phone!

Thinking back, I don't think my mother would've said anything at all even if I become good friends with girls. It was really all on myself!

To be continued if I feel like it...

SCAMMED

2007-08-25T19:28:00.001+08:00

It sucks when you get scammed and you can't do anything about it.

Lesson: Never trust strangers. No matter how nice or polite they sound.

Vitas

2007-08-22T20:53:00.000+08:00

I don't shower celebrity with praise very often, but this guy is really an amazing talent.

Check out 0:40 of the second video. WOW.

Why it's hard to change a habit

2007-08-17T22:57:00.000+08:00

H-A-B-I-T.

When you drop the 'H', you still have 'ABIT'..

When you drop the 'A', you still have 'BIT'..

When you drop the 'B', you still have 'IT'!

No wonder it's so hard to change a habit. =)

Shitting is Spooky

2007-08-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

The washroom that I will be using in this semester is nothing short of one that you will find in a haunted house.

It's dark, it' gloomy, and it's freaking me out. Good thing the lights don't flicker, or else I will be wishing for regular constipation. But still, how the hell is anyone suppose to shit in a cubicle like this one?

P.S: Picture taken during the day. Imagine the horror of waking up to a full bladder in the middle or the night.

2007-06-26T20:42:00.000+08:00

People used to write in diaries, hoping that nobody will read them. Nowadays, people write blogs, whoring to have them read by others.

Seriously, observe a little discretion.

If there is an insatiable desire to blog about the puniest detail of your life, tie your fingers with a rubberband.

Be a ninja, and say no to senseless blogging (such as this one).

2007-05-29T18:27:00.001+08:00

Why do I erase everything from my blog?

Because I need to shut up.

That was the conclusion that I arrive to after a little self reflection. Too much talk and being "emo" doesn't serve any meaningful purpose, other than as pathetic attempts to seek attention from others. If I have nothing meaningful to say other than bitching about life and love, then don't say anything. Some of my previous posts were acidic to the eyes, hence the removal.

Meanwhile, I haven't talked to her for quite some time. I don't even know why I stop talking to her. Perhaps I'm naive, playing those silly I-don't-wanna-talk-to-you-unless-you-talk-to-me game. But she hasn't said a word to me every since. I should talk to her again someday, but I don't know what to say.

Let's feign ignorance.

I can be so wrong

2007-05-26T21:21:00.000+08:00

I thought it was love, but it withers.

I thought it was passion, but it wanes.

I thought it was energy, but I became languid.

I foresaw freedom, but I am caged by my own inability.

I suppose, I assume, but I can be so wrong.

Get Fat, Get Rotten

2007-05-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

Considering my continual bitching about how life in Singapore is bad, it is ironic that I feel Malaysia isn't much better after all.

The plus side about life in Malaysia is that I have very good companions, so less of the loneliness that I felt when I was down south. On the flip side, I feel very powerless when I am back home. Mobility is severely limited without a car, leaving me practically trapped in the house unless a friend fetches me. So, I can't go out to shop for stuff, to cut my hair, or to meet someone without having someone else to fetch me. I just hate to be so dependent and having to rely on someone else to do my own thing!

Without school, life is currently all about DotA, Maple Story, Caesar IV, and Travian - play all day. I have played so much that I am beginning to get sick of it. Reminds me of the South Park episode about Warcraft addiction. It's freaky that I see glaring parallel between me and the game addicts depicted in that brilliant comedy. I don't wanna be like them, but I'm just too unmotivated to do anything else!

So much for thinking about drawing a picture a day, now I'm drawing none. No motivation, really. Now I notice that the whole reason I was so into drawing is because of her. I wanted her attention, something to show her, something to spark a conversation. Now that I think she probably doesn't care, I see no reason to spend hours to produce an artwork. So, I wonder if I will ever pick up the pencil and paper again during this holiday. Perhaps when I am bored to death, I will.

Watched Spiderman 3 yesterday, and it happens to be my first trip to cinema since so long that I couldn't remember anymore. Anyway, I think it's a great movie despite many reviews saying that it's mediocre. The battle scenes are stunning and impressive, and the emotional scenes are, well, emotional. Definitely an enjoyable film. On a sidenote, Peter Parker seriously looks like Mr. Bean!

Another jumbled up post, but heck cares.

2007-05-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

I tried taking you as a normal friend, but I have failed miserably.

Damn it, I become an emo-head everytime I think about you. I wish I can be a computer for a while and just delete you from my mind.

But I can't.

The exodus

2007-05-02T12:04:00.000+08:00

Okay, not exactly an exodus, but rather a solo escape.

As time flows unperturbed like it always does, my final exam is over! For goodness sake I will be released from the iron grip of monotony that is the shitty university life for three to-be-appreciated months, before having to sandwich the activities that I enjoy amidst the boring lectures and detestable tutorials again. Three months before I have to again live a torrid life with little to no daily interaction, other than the short exchanges with the food stall lady. With such horrendous and considerably lonely lifestyle - with almost no one but my online friends as my CLOSEST (imagine that) company - it is easy to see how much I am going to enjoy the next three months, indulged in my most faithful of company. I can't wait to go back!

Meanwhile, I must say that I have not done very well for my finals - not that I deserve to, given my exponentially increasing indolence as the exam drew nearer. The closer the big days get, the balance between play and work tips more and more in favour of the former. Therefore, I know I won't do very well for this exam. The illustrious Sonnet before this entry should have made things pretty lucid and vivid. However, I should not be too bothered about it. Not that any degree of anxiety or regret can change what has happened. As some badass in the highly acclaimed HK movie, Infernal Affairs, said, in crispy Mandarin: "Events can change human, but human cannot change events".

Reflect, learn, and move on.

As for now, it's all about packing and playing until the 4th of May. Also, I will back to terrorise the world of DotA after a lengthy hiatus. Warning: I eat nubs - all of them!

So(HAI)nnet 18

2007-04-24T21:15:00.000+08:00

Exam tak study
Kononlah steady
Ingat apa pun reti
Skarang dah mati

Tengok soalan semua tak paham
Asyik kena main tikam
Lepas exam kawan tanya "Apa macam?"
Aku kata "MACAM AYAM!"

Keluar dewan muka sedih
Tau dah sohai, hati pedih
Salah aku main terlebih
Exam kali ni memang dah habih

Sajak Sonnet ada 14 baris
Idea habis, jadi cincai tulis!

Digubah oleh William Suckitspeare

I'm riding a jet

2007-04-24T13:13:00.000+08:00

At times when I have nothing better to do, I would ponder about my future, wondering what awaits in the future. Every time I put my limited power of clairvoyance into practice, I can't help but feel that life is a sprint.

Already, my first year in university is drawing to an end. Three more months of holidays and it will be my second year in NUS. Two 5-month-long semesters will sandwich a month of break, and that will be the end of my second year. Rinse and repeat that twice, and I would have graduated!

Time feels like a waterfall when I think of the next several years that way, and it's both intimidating and exciting as I wonder what beholds. Even with the richest imagination, I will never know what kind of life I will be living in the future. The only way to find out is to live on.

And live on I will!

P.S: I have effectively killed myself by typing a blog with an exam coming in the next 2 hour, of which its revision has not been completed!

All or nothing

2007-04-24T10:34:00.000+08:00

You told me that you will just give up and be a friend with someone who doesn't like you as much as you do. I wish I could sort out my feelings so easily and accept someone I like so much only as a common friend.

But I can't.

I will rather have it all or have nothing at all instead of veering aimlessly in the midst. So, I quit.

Plagiarism rocks

2007-04-20T13:11:00.000+08:00

Blood Elf Spell Breaker

Night Elf Druid of the Talon

I really liked this two graphite artworks that I drew over the past two days, but I wonder if I should take any pride out of them since they are drawn with reference to someone else's drawing. It's practically two substandard carbon copies of the real thing. Now I know how crappy I am when it comes to creativity and imagination. Looks like I will have to be a photocopier for a while before I become a more eligible artist.

By the way, tomorrow will be the first day of the final exam. I should seriously start doing some last minute work to patch up the innumerable holes in my understanding of ALL the modules.

Noooooo don't draw anymore!! Kthxbai

Effort - the lack of it

2007-04-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, why does an unmotivated master of truancy like me deserve a scholarship to study in one of the best engineering school in the world? I am pretty confident that there are many other aspiring students who would cherish this scholarship and make better use of it than I do. All of the sudden I feel very guilty of robbing off the wonderful opportunities that this scholarship offers from someone else who may have worked very hard for it.

But this is the harsh reality - we don't always get what we work for. Effort will never be proportional to achievement. Some idiots always do better in exam than I do even though they never attend a single class. Therefore why work hard? Let's just be lazy and play more Maple and earn some pocket money instead! That's it, I'm officially adopting the DON'T CARE attitude towards this coming exam.

Bring me the screwdriver!

Towards self-destruction

2007-04-15T15:49:00.000+08:00

With exam commencing in less than a week time, I have miraculously managed to deceive myself that the exam is over and take it as though I am on a sweet holiday. Not only am I not studying, but I have also decided to start playing Maple Story more often. To complete the hypnosis, I went to get a book so that I can read when I am free - instead of studying! I should prepare an obituary for myself soon - I'm gonna be dead for sure!

There was a girl whom I enjoy chatting with. I had the feeling that she was truly interested in what I have to say. But not anymore. Recently, it seems like she tries to cut the conversation whenever I talk to her. Perhaps she has been busy, or I have bugged her too much, or maybe she has just realised that she actually hates me. It's quite frustrating sometimes when I am so eager to chat with her, only to have her killing the conversation off with an abrupt "oh ok", followed by a long silence. I guess I should stop talking to her for a while, since she obviously doesn't care anymore.

Graffiti

2007-04-10T00:43:00.000+08:00

Some of the artworks that I crafted in the last few days:

Fat-ass looking for a fight.. IT'S HAMMA TIME!

Victory!! Say cheese!

My first (failed + half) portrait. An imaginary girl named Gnil Eey. ;)

If...

2007-04-10T00:23:00.000+08:00

Plenty of 'Ifs' are popping up in my head as of late.

"If I quit engineering and pursue something more interesting..."

"If I were any smarter..."

"If only she likes me..."

"If I can draw like Samwise Didier..."

"If I can speak to my dad again..."

I seriously need to stop daydreaming. Perhaps I have been drawing too much in these few days that I have wrecked my sanity. But really, I love drawing. A lot!

P.S: Samwise is a real genius. Looking at his creative character designs with intricate details is awe-inspiring and absolutely stunning. Makes me want to draw more, whee!

Reminder to self: DRAW!? FINALS IN 2 WEEKS TIME AND YOU ARE UNPREPARED, MR. PICASSO!

Pen(cil) is mightier than the sword

2007-04-03T10:57:00.000+08:00

I'm currently obsessed with drawing fantasy characters from Warcraft III!

In an attempt to look more professional, I went to get different grade pencils and a better sketch book. The days of drawing on cheap papers with mechanical pencils are finally history!

I will be spending plenty of time drawing things in my imagination, but then there is a looming test. So, will have to strike the golden mean between drawing and studying to avert the pitfall of failing my exam!

Which means that I have to motivate myself to study some of the subjects that I detest the most.

Damn!

Ban MSN!

2007-03-31T14:56:00.000+08:00

I can't resist myself from talking to her EVERYTIME she comes online. I feel that I shouldn't be talking to her this much, yet I double click on her name whenever I see her and talk senseless things. Therefore, must take drastic measure before I become any more pathetical - ban MSN!

New policy - will NOT sign in to MSN unless necessary, or when I am absolutely bored. Sort of a partial withdrawal from online messaging. Definitely will suffer from some withdrawal symptoms, and it will be a hard thing to do.

But I will persevere!

Check point

2007-03-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

Several things:

1. The few previous articles were substandard and of poor language quality. I just can't write anything meaningful or interesting recently, and I seriously feel like deleting them. When it comes to quality of work (my own work, at least), I can be quite a fussy bastard. I absolutely cannot tolerate mediocre or half-hearted work, especially when I publish it to the general audience (not that anyone reads my blog anyway). That said, I also won't join a competition without any realistic chances of winning. 'Go to get some experience, it's okay to lose' isn't my belief. My philosophy is 'Cannot win better stay home play DotA!'

2. IT'S BLOODY HOT. Seriously, I should consider getting a sauna robe soon, because it's THAT hot and humid recently. And this is when being a guy is a blessing - I can go half naked and leave my windows open and door ajar. Not something that girls can do without getting snapped by some perverts with their ever-ready high resolution camera! But in such searing heat, even baring my upper body is no salvation at all. I'm starting to envy those polar bears and penguins!

3. No more freaking lab sessions! I seriously doubt my potential as an engineer, since I absolutely detest the idea of attending labs and fiddling with funny machines. Anyway, I have completed the last session for this semester, so no more waking up early every Tuesday for labs, thankfully! An extra vacant slot in my timetable is always good, since that means two extra hours of study. Either that or two extra hours of blissful sleep, heh.

4. Bought a new pair of spectacles - frameless, white in colour. Costing S$250 (RM575), it is the most expensive pair that I have ever had so far. Hopefully the investment will be worth it, since the previous pairs had tendency to corrode and get out of shape easily. By the way, wearing white-coloured spectacles was weird at first, but I have grew to love it. It is a very pure colour, outstanding, yet projects a sense of humility. Definitely a good uplift of image. Loving it!

5. Nerdification (no such word, I know) is going well! I manage to force myself to watch all the boring webcast lectures as though they are some interesting Taiwanese drama series, and I'm working on the tutorials now. At this rate, I hope that I can cover everything soon and have a more relaxing reading week. Gungho!

6. I'm happy whenever I see her online! But the weird thing is, I would voluntarily not talk to her sometimes, in the hope that she will talk to me first. Very often, it wouldn't happen, so in the end I will be unable to restrain myself and say hi to her. What a dumb game... very childish, eh?

The artist who never was

2007-03-22T13:23:00.000+08:00

Not many know about it and it may sound absurd, but I was actually quite a heavyweight in various drawing competitions as a child.

When I was 7-year-old, I represented the state of Selangor and clinched the national championship in the final, which was witnessed by the Queen. The year after, I was second best in the same national championship, still respectable nonetheless. That aside, I won various other competitions, including one that beautified my living room with a Samsung 25" TV (gigantic by the standard back then), much to my parents joy and pride. Newspapers and magazines featured articles of my success, and one local newspaper even came to my school to conduct an interview.

Basked in all the glory and drowned in fame, however, I did the unthinkable - walking away from drawing at the pinnacle of my success. What induced that shocking decision was a fear of future failure, as expectation was immense and I doubted my ability to fulfill it.

I was trained to reproduce artworks that my teacher had drawn. It was a very effective (although mechanical) way to improve my drawing skill, but it stifled creativity on my part. All the artworks in the drawing competitions that I won were substandard reproductions of what my teacher had originally crafted. I couldn't draw anything passable without an original work to copy.

Because of that, I felt disgusted with myself, with my inability to be creative and innovative. To a certain extent, I felt that I had cheated my way to the top, and I couldn't bear to live with that fact. Also, I wanted to be a creative artist, not one who photocopies someone else's work. All these compelled me to bow out, and I would never return again.

Until today, that remains as one of the biggest regret that I have in my life. I should have chosen to develop my foundation in drawing instead of quitting. If I had chosen to walk down the road, instead of away from it, I may be a very different person today. Perhaps I would be pursuing a career in game artistic design instead of reading a boring engineering degree.

But I am already too far down this path to look back. There is no point wondering how life will be if I had taken a different decision 11 years ago.

Because the grass is always greener on the other side.

The need to be nerdy

2007-03-19T22:06:00.000+08:00

Yes, I don't care, I am going to be a big nerd in this coming month. All I am going to do is to study and study and study for my final exam. As the adage puts it, what goes around, comes around. For all the classes that I have skipped, I have to convert myself into a freaking nerd now.

Already, I have erased the whole Warcraft folder from my computer, so no more DotA! I think I should also login to MSN less frequently, since it is a really big distraction, especially when some special people are online. So I will probably put a stop to my permanent online status on MSN. I should sign in only when I think that a particular someone will come online, or when I am in serious need for a listener. Other than that, MSN is to be banned!

This coming month will be the final stretch of the road for the first year. Time to sprint after an extended half-hearted jog. Can't afford to fall down during such an important run-in! Have to be extremely focused and cut down on emotional moments that very often disturb my schedule recently.

In fact, a particular girl has been hogging my mind for the past two days, thanks to my own stupidity of being too loud-mouthed. Said too much, thought too much, expected too much, and ultimately caused confusion and disappointment for myself. Good thing I talked to her and sorted out my feelings and emotion before I left Malaysia. Will give it a break now and not over-think it! Control my feelings! Conquer my emotion!

I really hope I can do it without the physical presence of my best friends.

I need to!

Clairvoyance

2007-03-19T03:21:00.000+08:00

Without my knowledge, my mother gave my birth details to a 'master' for some fortune telling. The cool factor is that the calculation was performed by a computer, and the fortune teller only had to decipher the result.

According to the fortune teller, I am destined for success and achievement throughout my life, but - here's the tricky part - there is one major pitfall that I must sidestep. When I asked my mother what is this pitfall about, I was somewhat amused by her reply. "A girl will destroy your entire life when you are 21!" Haha! What the hell!? A romantic relationship with a girl will supposedly transform my life into a downward spiral, one that will consign myself to perpetual failures and eventually bankruptcy. My mother told me that the fortune teller looked very worried and serious when he described how immense is this problem. Seems like it's really going to be a real deep shit!

But of course, being a skeptic, I won't buy everything that the fortune teller has said. If his words are to be taken with absolute credulity, I will have to consciously avoid any romantic relationship within the next two years. No way! I probably won't be very worried about it if I ever get into a relationship (highly unlikely). Not to mention that I am actually quite interested to know how a girl can possibly have the prowess to completely ruin my life!

Ultimately, I think it is unwise to justify any insensible action in the name of clairvoyance. So, I will just let the future unfold naturally instead of trying to actively interfere with it by doing weird things, like shutting down the window for romance.

Whatever will be, will be.

Last day in paradise

2007-03-18T02:12:00.000+08:00

Declaring personal holidays (at the expense of classes) and coming back to Malaysia for these few days turn out to be the correct decision to make. I thoroughly enjoyed myself in these three days with some faithful companionship of my dearest friends. Those sinister sarcasm and humourous vulgarities among my friends are really making the conversations so interesting. Talking to them is very very different from talking to friends in Singapore, who are usually dead serious or plain boring. So, 1-0 to Malaysian friends!

Although I only get to spend 2 days here with my friends, they are nonetheless extremely fulfilling. Both days were fully filled with fun activities that stretched from day to night. Tennis, movies, chit-chat, and DotA graced my wonderful couple of days, and Yee Ling's birthday party at the end added the final gloss. It's definitely very heartening to meet so many friends, and hopefully this will provide me with the impetus to push on in the final few deadly weeks in NUS.

Will still be in Malaysia tomorrow, although I doubt that I will be able to join my friends for outing, since there are some matters to tend to. Anyway, it is the last day of this amazing short break, and I am sure that I will be reluctant to return to the pressure cooker that is Singapore. But I understand perfectly that all good things come to an end.

That's why we cherish them!

Human-trafficking

2007-03-16T02:24:00.000+08:00

Due to a pretty tight schedule for the past 10 days or so, I haven't been able to update my blog - until today. To cut thing short, mid-term test is over, the two assignments are completed - worthy of a big sigh of relief - and I am currently in Malaysia for a short break. I seriously believe that I will be needing this momentary escape from all the hectic and accelerated pace of life in Singapore, because after this I will subject myself to a potentially gruesome mental torture as I prepare for the finals. The other reason that I am coming back is because I am invited a friend's birthday party. When she asked me to attend the party, the first thing on my mind was "I gotta attend this" and so I decided to smuggle myself back a week earlier, despite having a little inconvenience. I have no idea what spurs such exuberance in me!

Anyhow, it's wonderful to be home. The first thing that I did when I reach KL was to ask my sister for a detour to McDonald's to get a McFlurry with M&M mini. I love it very much, but they don't sell the M&M flavour in Singapore - only Oreo. Such cruelty to my taste buds! McFlurry aside, I am pretty sure that I will be devouring plenty of fatty and oily delights that I have been craving for all these while in Kiasuland. I can already feel the war drum in my abdomen as I conjure the thoughts of all the good food I will be having in the next few days. Okay, fine, so life is more than just food, food, and food. Seeing Hayley and Scubby is also a big emotional boost. Both of them are still cute as ever, in their very own way. Reminder to self - I MUST take a picture together with Scubby. I have to!

Don't notice any drastic changes with people around me, except that one of my closest friends is attached to a pretty cute girl, which I find to be rather sudden and surprising. So, another member is going to leave the cult of the Hopeless Singles. Keat you leaver!! BAN!! Actually, I do feel very happy for him. Not just for getting a girlfriend, but I can see that he is growing into a seemingly more responsible person in the past year. Among my friends, he is definitely the one who has matured the most in that time frame, although he is still largely characterised by his trademark idiocy. Some things never change! That aside, I will have to hardwire my brain to make it registers that Kian Shen has moved to a new house. It still feels that he is living two units away from my home. Adapt, adapt!

Having stayed awake for 18 hours straight until now, I am completely worn out, both mentally and physically. Anyway, whatever written above are probably very incoherent and jumbled up. I just typed whatever that comes across my mind. Definitely missed plenty of stuff. Will patch the potholes tomorrow when I deem that I am more mentally fit to do so. For now, I will snuggle into my comfortable bed and get some good night sleep, in anticipation of a great day tomorrow.

I know it will be a great day. :)

Post-mortem

2007-03-07T14:40:00.000+08:00

My assessment of the Sociology paper that I have just finished is that my script is completely wrecked. With three pages of ineffective, fragmented arguments that I patched up from various articles in Wikipedia, I know I'm almost certainly dead.

May my tutor has mercy and doesn't fail me!!

Check point

2007-03-03T22:53:00.000+08:00

Feeling quite emotional today, so I am in no mood for elaborate entries. Just some things in abridged forms:

1. The dreaded mid-term tests are here. I have been surprisingly focused during my revision this time, although occasionally my mind still drift to some other dimension. Two more papers next week, and am quite satisfied with how I did so far. But the next two papers will be far more pivotal since I practically know nothing about what I have learned so far!

2. Tests aside, there are two assignments to make sure that I will have very little free time available nowadays. Have to do plenty of research for one of the paper, but it's tormenting when you have to read about something that isn't of your interest. Anyhow, I will make sure that I do something good since it's a group work, and it's unfair to my group members if I were to renounce my own responsibility.

3. Went for a reunion dinner organised by the Malaysian Student League (MSL). Must say that I am totally disappointed with it. With an enormous band of more than 60 students, it's just too difficult to socialise. The fact that most of them converse in Mandarin further fortifies that invisible barrier. In addition to that, I get the impression that the people around my table were merely pretending to be interested when they talk to each other. Their facial expressions and half-hearted giggles belied their curious look. I absolutely loathe such pretense and so I decided to leave early. After today's dinner, I am even more convinced that MSL really isn't for me. Nationality is a very weak common ground to foster friendship, especially when your home country is just across that narrow strip of water.

4. Meso trading in Maple Story has been flourishing recently, with overwhelming demand after the festive season. Therefore, I will redouble my effort to fully exploit this money generator while it is still functioning robustly. I know someday that this wonderful scheme will cease to be viable, but I will hope that the day does not come anytime soon!

5. I wanna go home! Must shave a few days off my timetable soon and sneak back to Malaysia. Just to keep myself sane and to refill my emotional support fuel!

6. I wanna talk to her, argh!

7. I talked a lot even though it's supposed to be 'abridged'. More of a grumpy old man after turning 20, perhaps.

Good night!

Into the third decade

2007-02-25T21:45:00.000+08:00

As of today, I have officially stayed alive for 20 years, and surprisingly, still mentally sane and physically vigorous. Considering all the fatty food that I consume at mamak stalls and the endless cascade of emotional stress during recent years, it is quite an achievement indeed!

Seriously, turning 20 is not a big deal at all, but people tend to get all euphoric when their age hits a nice number (18, 20, 33, 55, 69, 88, etc) and there are always unfounded reasons to justify it. I won't be throwing a grand party to celebrate most of those funky numbers, but 19 to 20 does seem like a pretty important transition. The fact that the number 1 becomes 2 has probably blown the significance out of proportion. Imagine if it is expressed in binary numbers: turning from 10011 to 10100 is completely unspectacular - pardon that geeky exemplification - isn't it? Anyway, I do find this year's birthday to be more important, since it does seem to be a pretty big deal, psychologically at least, to turn 20. With this, I'm finally immune against being labeled as a kid (but unfortunately, also more vulnerable to the tags of 'uncle' and 'old man')!

Although I think that it's quite an important birthday, I actually anticipated a quiet day - and it was. All I did was to bring my closest clustermate and have a slice of cake each at Secret Recipe. It felt more like a self-appreciation lunch (by feeding myself with good food, a luxury that has been robbed away from me as I am cash-strapped) rather than a birthday celebration. After that we went for a few racks of 8-ball pool and that was it! Simple, but definitely better than caging myself in the room doing things that involve very little to no brain activity.

A day before on the 24th, I had a surprise invitation from Yick Shee/Hui, who were on a holiday trip in Singapore, to meet up at Vivocity. I gladly agreed of course, since my social life was almost defunct after living through a flaccid CNY break. Turns out that they were with their whole family, relatives included. Initially, it was intimidating to slot into a table full of unfamiliar faces, but eventually it wasn't as bad as I thought. Their family members were fun and friendly, and I even managed to strike a good conversation with their mum. I felt very welcome and there was no awkward moment at all, which is cool! After the lunch, Yick Hui/Shee and me splitted with their family and we went for a bit of shopping, before deciding to please our taste bud at Haagen Dasz. Thanks Yick Shee for the free Chocolate Decadence *grins*. Overall, it was a pleasant and enjoyable outing.

People who said Happy Birthday to me this year are roughly in this order:
0. Yick Shee - At Haagen Dasz on the 24th. Too early, doesn't count! (hence number 0) :P
0.5. Yick Hui - Greetings came at 11.44pm on 24th. Also doesn't count!
1. Wai Shin <-- The first one (on the legit day) to wish me!
2. Yi Shan <-- Found out through Friendster, otherwise wouldn't even know, LoL
3. Yee Ling <-- Been bothering her too much for her to not remember. :P
4. Lee Mun <-- The girl in Australia, sent the first SMS greetings. :)
5. Pui Lai <-- My sister. Sent her an SMS few days earlier during her B'day, otherwise probably wouldn't bother. :P
6. Deborah <-- Found out through Friendster. The only non-Malaysian to do so! :)
7. Kok Ken <-- The only guy to do so, after digesting a slice of raspberry cheese cake from me :P
8. Mandy <-- Longest birthday greeting ever, complete with a VERY ELABORATE story. Something to read if I'm imsomniac! :P
9. Joan <-- No comment, but thanks :)
10. Cynthia <-- Claims that she is nice because she remembers, 20 minutes before 12. :P

Wow, I have just used more smileys than all the previous entries combined. Probably because the feelings are more than words. Anyway, very grateful to everyone who passed on their greetings to me personally, and hopefully I didn't miss out anyone in the list.

I'm 20. Hoo-hah-hei, sa-sa!

Embracing the dusk as night beckons

2007-02-23T12:42:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make - I absolutely love holidays!

There is relief and a sense of fulfillment in me whenever a holiday begins - probably an indication that I do not enjoy what I am currently doing. A holiday promises a much appreciated, if temporary, escape from the disappointing varsity life in which I am caged in. Reality is almost a complete opposite from the wonderful utopia that I conjured up during my pre-varsity life. No wonder I feel so rebellious and want to detach myself from this place as soon as possible. And holiday is one of those time when I finally feel like myself again.

I often hope that holidays last indefinitely, or at least for as long as I want them to be. Every first day of a holiday represents a moment of wishful eternity, as though it will never come to an end. But minute by minute, and day by day, time crawls ever closer towards the night when I will come to the realisation that it's over, that things resume the day after. Back to waking up early and catching shuttle bus, back to attending boring lectures, back to tutorials where I will be sitting alone at the back.

During holidays, there is none of those. This time, although it wasn't a very productive week, at least I get to do what I enjoy doing. I watched some movies, read a book, drew some pictures, and spent some time idling to reflect about myself. All my academic responsibilities were temporarily disowned to unclog my mind and that has allowed me to cherish this week fully. And it was wonderful indeed, although I will soon be sagged with those burdens once again.

My biggest mistake is to stay over here in Singapore voluntarily during this holiday. I really should have went back to my hometown and meet all the people whom I haven't seen for a while, but now it's too late to have any regret over my choice, since it's already pointless. The initial plan was to study, but in the end I decided to grant myself a break and just do whatever my impulses tell me to do. Of course, that means I did very little to prepare for my coming exam. I just couldn't tune myself into the correct mood to concentrate on my study. In fact most of the time I opted to not bother about it. Overconfidence? Maybe a little. But I believe it's just ignorance. I do not have the drive for excellence any longer. Unlike my old self, second best seems to be an acceptable outcome now, one that I will be content with.

Now I am looking forward to my return in May when I will be staying in Malaysia for a substantial time. I will have three months without this detestable varsity life. Three months to spend with my family and dearest friends. Three months of evenings to bring Scubby for a walk. And three months to hopefully meet someone that I have been longing to see recently.

With a longer separation, hopefully the merrier the reunion will be. I am anticipating a good holiday in May.

P.S: I'm growing older!

And the dormant pig awakes!

2007-02-18T16:15:00.001+08:00

As the dodecagonal wheel of Chinese zodiac rolls, it's the Golden Pig's turn to be dominant once again! After 11 years of hiatus, this excited little mammal will bless us with an ever larger capacity for laziness, and of course, more sleep time in this year! Not to mention, the supernatural influence due to this symbolic year provides us with an irrefutable excuse to be lazy and not doing something. Ah, sounds like will be a rather indolent lunar year ahead!

(Hopefully you have noticed that the first paragraph was pure gibberish that only a madman can think of)

For the second time in my life, I won't be home for this important festival. All thanks to the baseless superstition that disallows any form of celebration or visit to people's house (promoting isolation just when I probably need emotional support the most, how reasonable eh?), which will effectively lock me in my house even if I return to Malaysia. On top of that, the perverse bus companies are all wielding razor-sharp blades for an opportunistic robbery by almost tripling the ticket price. Therefore, no reunion dinner, no oranges, no angpaos, no Blackjack, no mahjong, no gathering, nothing!

As expected, hostel is a lifeless graveyard with very few wandering souls during new year. It is during this time in this kind of environment that I feel the need to have friends and family. However, with hindsight, I have prepared some emotional rations to survive through this few lonely days. Clever me deserves a candy!

My emotional ration is in the form of the Taiwanese drama series The Magician of Love. My crave for drama series has certainly been tingled after talking to Yee Ling about it the other day. Already, I have digested all the 22 episodes (totaling more than 26 hours) in slightly more than 2 days! It's a great romantic comedy starring most girls' groom-in-dream (and also my friend's self-proclaimed boyfriend) Ming Dao and teenage beauty sensation Qiao Qiao the MEGA-CUTEST (the whole reason I'm watching this series, really).

The series involve a little of hairstyling, some entangled relationships and plenty of funny scenes (no magic though, weird), all wonderfully weaved into an interesting story. It utilises a basic plot that is somewhat common - two people started out hating each other, loving the wrong people, but eventually discover the better of each other and get mutually attracted, and finally, voila, happy ending! However, the story develops pretty well, unlike some series that goes downhill after an interesting start. Surprises and suspenses are also aplenty, assuring that it won't be a bland storyline. In my opinion, it's definitely a series well worth your time watching.

Now that the I have finished watching the series, it's time to get the work done. Plenty of them in fact. Golden PIG please don't bestow me with your infinite capacity of laziness and sleepiness. My overworked neighbour will appreciate you more, thanks!

The Feeble Heart

2007-02-14T22:50:00.000+08:00

I can't believed how easily I get emotionally attached to someone - almost like a kid who is attracted by a new toy. Why can't I just take a relationship casually and just be good friends with her? Just let the feeling develop overtime, and perhaps that will make the relationship more valuable. Why do must I rush everything and sink into it so soon? I don't know. One thing I'm sure of is that I am a fool. A big fool in fact. One who ruins himself in the face of a prospective relationship.

Perhaps I am desperate. Although I always insinuate that I am not and how optimistic I am about life and love, there is a part of me that think otherwise. The lonely rebellious self that I am trying to suppress gets wild every time I found someone I am interested in. And this multiplicity triggers all the silly things that I do in order to impress her, but often they turn bad. Communication goes wrong because I talk too much. I care too much about her to the extent of being bothersome.

Deplorable indeed. If Darwin is correct, such a negative trait like mine should have been eradicated by natural selection. I wonder why am I still sitting here.

Happy Valentine!

2007-02-14T20:17:00.000+08:00

To the romantic, it is a lovely day to spend quality time together and foster stronger bond between two mutually affectionate souls.

To the insecure, it is a nervous day to discover whether or not their partner actually care about them (gifts are normally accepted as solid proof).

To the hopeful men, it is an opportunistic day of showering her with [insert random number] stalks of roses and hopefully to win her heart.

To the hopeful women, it is an anticipative day of receiving beautiful bouquets of flowers (if any), and hopefully, not from the guys that she doesn't care about.

To the desperate, it is a jealous day of torturing sight of happy couples, and a sense of bedazzlement of why is there no one to walk by his or her side.

To the single, it is a casual day of heightened awareness towards non-attachment. Either that or a good excuse for a steamboat party with fellow singles.

To the money-minded, it is a prosperous day of selling overpriced roses to passionate lovers who are unusually blind towards the price tag.

To the ignorant, it is a, well, Valentine? What Valentine? I only know Valentino Rossi!

To the childish, it is an inane day of sending virtual roses through MSN Messenger and waking up at 12am to wish her a lovely Valentine via SMS.

To the hopeless, it is a poetic day of crafting meaningless Valentine blog entries in the evening after a satisfying afternoon nap.

Ah, a great nap that was. Better luck next year I suppose!

P.S: Almost forgot about it. Have to wish my little niece Hayley a happy birthday! She's 5 now :)

Chess outing @ Settler's Cafe

2007-02-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

Just the night yesterday, the members of the chess team went for an outing. Location of choice was the Settler's Cafe at Holland Village. Its a tiny double-storey cafe that interestingly incorporates gaming and dining. Board games may sound boring, until you see their stunningly eclectic collection of, well, almost everything! If your idea of board games consists of Monopoly and Scrabble, you will be wowed by the sight of the TWO racks they use to stack their board games. Didn't know I missed so many wonderful stuff as a kid!

The cafe was at its full capacity, and the average age of the customers yesterday was at least 20. Everyone in the cafe definitely enjoyed themselves, judging by the high desibel of laughters and screams from the entertained patrons. Some games were actually rather childish, but who cares if they were fun? There is a child in everyone of us anyway!

Of course, what's a cafe without food? The food was not magnificent, but good enough. However, a rather pedestrian set meal comes at a hefty S$13.90, not inclusive of a 15% surcharge. Certainly not a place that you want to visit every weekend unless you have a robust inflow of cash. However, considering the excellent service that they offer, which includes tutorial of how to play a game, the price tag is still within acceptable range. Anyhow, this will be a great place to drop by with friends once in a while and engage in some exciting games. The amount of fun is indeed good value for the money.

On the way back, I sweet-talked a full-bearded taxi driver who looked rather intimidating into giving me a 20 cents discount. It's a small amount, but it's rewarding to be nice to people! But above that, the greatest joy is to see the contented smile on him after giving me a ride to my hostel. Which is why I always try my best to be nice and respectful to people, regardless of who they are. By bringing joy to others, I bring joy to myself too.

P.S: No, the chess team members didn't go there to play chess. We have decided to leave behind our geekiness for a day. But yes, they DO have chess, goodness!

Some pictures taken in the cafe:

Can't believe I missed so many good things as a child, argh!

Don't mind being a geek as long as it's fun!

The Chess Family. Finally, some nice people I found. :)

Dear Chun Wai

2007-02-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

Hey me! Remember this thing you wrote five years ago? Yes, you wrote this yourself back then when you were bored and sent it to the future me in five years time - which is you. Not taking into account the extra day on 2008, you should be reading this on the 7th of February 2012. Wow. How time flies eh? Bet you can't even recall what you wrote, yes? If anything here sounds stupid, don't laugh because everything is on YOU. You wrote this five years ago, okay?

So, how you doing? Considering the fact that I am extremely 'hardworking' recently, I hope you are not reading this as a university dropout! To make sure I don't get insomniac tonight, I'll assume that you have at least graduated from NUS. And no, I won't ask how you did for your final year thesis because I know it sucked. At least I know mine will suck, so that means yours is gonna suck too. Simple logic, since you are me!

By the time you read this, you should have a job already. I seriously couldn't imagine what kind of job will I be doing when I am your age. Something related to engineering I suppose? Anyway, don't forget the plan to escape Singapore! Just work three years there to serve the scholarship terms and then butt off right away! But you probably don't hate Singapore anymore eh? I wouldn't know. Maybe you finally found something that you really love? Or better yet, someone? Heh!

Speaking of looking for someone, I hope that you aren't single anymore. Look at you dude, you are 25! By the way, remember when five years ago you made a pledge to wait for someone who are studying in Australia? Bet you don't really care anymore right now, since you are such a flirt anyway. I know you won't care anymore, because I understand you best. Every time you commit yourself to something, you forget about it in two months - or worse, two weeks. All those "I'll wait for you" was rubbish. I knew it! But really, for your own sake (and mine too :D ), get a steady relationship already!

Okay, enough of love. I know how much that topic depresses you all the time, just as it depresses me. So let's put a stop to that and talk about our beloved dog Scubby. I wonder if Scubby is still alive when you are reading this. If he is, he would be really really old. Doubt he will still be as energetic as the he is now. If he is alive and healthy still, make sure you give him a big hug whenever you see him. After all, he's your favourite dog. The thought of losing him someday really saddens me, actually. Ahh...

And how's mum, Lai, and Yoke? Mum is pretty old now, you should really visit her more often. She must've been rather lonely living without father for the past five years. And yes! Don't forget to at least visit dad on 13th of December. In case you have forgotten, that would be his death anniversary. I have faith in you that this is a date that you will deeply engrave in your heart. By this time, Lai should've married already, so congratulations to her! And Yoke might have already gave birth to another baby, or maybe two! In any case, hope everyone is doing well. Best wishes!

I have many more things that I wanted to tell you actually. But I need to get some early rest to prepare for my morning class tomorrow. You wouldn't want to be a university dropout, would you?

Yours Sincerely,

You.

P.S: Sent this to myself through FutureMe.org. Let's see if I will indeed receive it five years later :D

No love affair

2007-02-05T21:39:00.000+08:00

Having spent more than 2 years in this tiny little island best known as Kiasuland, I daresay that I have absolutely no feeling of affection towards this place. In many ways, Singapore is a wonderful city to live in - it's a city of sophisticated infrastructure and great opportunities, albeit somewhat over-regulated. And the opportunity to springboard myself to a better life is exactly the reason why I put myself into this strenuous mental torture in NJC, and now NUS.

But I have never felt attached to this place. There is nothing that I can relate myself to in Singapore, other than being a foreign student here. The past 2 years here were transient and insipid. So ordinary that there is hardly anything worth remembering. Consequently, Singapore feels like a shelter rather than a home, a place lacking the warmth and the social cushion that I would really appreciate.

Perhaps this is because there is nothing that I sincerely love here that keeps my heart rooted. Love is the strongest agent that binds one's heart to a place. But there is no love for me in Singapore. My family, my closest friends, my sweetest memories, my dog - all the things that I truly love - are in Malaysia. I can't think of anything that will induce a slight bit of reluctance in me when I leave Singapore.

I belong to somewhere else. I want to be at that somewhere else.

And that somewhere else is home.

Verbally challenged

2007-02-04T17:19:00.000+08:00

I just can't talk on the phone. Over the phone, my communication skill deserves to be in a garbage dump. My head will somehow become a chasm devoid of sensible thoughts, which consequently causes me to spurt out meaningless comments and responses. Insert the frequent stammering and stuttering, and you get the idea of how verbally challenged I am. All these become worse if the person on the other end is someone that I don't talk to often.

Looks like I will never impress anyone on the line.

Oh dear...

It's Februarrrryyyy!

2007-02-03T00:44:00.001+08:00

It's February! 14th will be Valentine, a wonderful and important day for lovers and friends alike, while the 25th will be the annual reminder that I am getting ever older. Although I am not particularly excited by both of them, it is always good to have something to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a lovely month ahead!

Meanwhile, I have just returned from a BBQ party with my cluster mates, that being the first real cluster event after staying for more than a semester here. Although only 9 of us turned up, it turns out to be much more fun that I have expected. There were some good food, and the best part of it is the opportunity that we got to mingle with each other. I am sure it won't feel so awkward anymore for me to talk to some of my cluster mates that I had trouble talking to before this. Not to mention that this is the first BBQ in which I actually grilled edible chicken wings! Two photos taken at the end of the party:

My face is ruined! But I kinda love this picture :)

Everyone wearing a contented smile after some decent food.

Some random thoughts that I have decided not to waste a whole paragraph to talk about:
1. I am somewhat obsessed with lime T-shirts recently. Everywhere I go I will sport one of my two lime T's. They are just pleasant to stare at!
2. I have this insatiable desire to talk to people recently. Be it through SMS, MSN, or phone calls, I just want myself to be heard. It sucks to be isolated.
3. My heart is still the same. Yes it is!

I NEED to be rich

2007-02-01T20:21:00.000+08:00

My cash coffer has been very porous recently due to my extravagant spending habit, but today I have just punched several new holes at the bottom of it by buying a new iPod. To pull myself even closer to bankruptcy, I went to a salon and coloured my hair - just for the fun of it!

I don't even have the slightest hint of being regretful about what I did, in fact it feels pretty good to buy something expensive! It's funny because this totally contradicts the belief that I espoused all these while - that I am not materialistic. I used to go around telling people that I will want to live a simplistic life, one in which I have enough money to feed myself and nothing more. Perhaps it's time to revise what I thought of myself and debunk the myth!

Oh yes, I will have to be really rich in the future because I doubt that my spendthrift habit is reversible. It's not disgusting to be money-minded, is it?

P.S: Actually I have plenty to say but there is a sudden jolt in my head that makes me shut down. Will write more whenever I am free - which probably means never.

Check point

2007-01-29T19:55:00.000+08:00

First thing first, my heightened awareness of being lonely has become more managable, so no longer do I feel like a pathetic wallowing bastard. Over the past few days, I was actually depressed by the sober thoughts of being alone and isolated. Self-inflicted depression, how silly! Fortunately my brain has sorted itself out, and hence I am starting to feel cheerful and optimistic again. Not to mention that I have regained my own thoughts and being able to concentrate on what I do now. Thank goodness I didn't go insane!

In my most recent attempt to become less of a geek, I am picking up guitar. After fiddling my guitar for a few days, it is safe to conclude that I am anything but a musical prodigy or a guitar genius. Therefore, it looks like plenty of hard work on my part will be needed before I become a decent guitar player. But of course, what's most important now is to keep the flame burning. If my enthusiasm vanishes halfway, then everything will be moot and irrelevant. It's a pledge that I will make to myself - I will master this little piece of instrument!

Contemplating withdrawal

2007-01-27T05:14:00.000+08:00

I wonder if I have what it takes to still be a chess player.

There is nothing about chess that I find enjoyable anymore. The thrill that I used to derive from the game has completely evaporated. Only fear - fear of making bad moves, fear of losing - persists. It wasn't like this when I was a young kid. Chess was fun, chess was amazing, chess was wonderful with its endless possibilities. Chess was a great form of leisure and relaxation. Winning was secondary.

But I have adopted a different set of mentality now. After joining various tournaments, I have come to the realisation that chess is all about winning. I am not saying that chess isn't fun, but it probably dulls you a little if you can't win. The "beauty" of the game itself will probably not convince anyone to lose every game in a tournament and be contented about it. To carry the expectation of winning into every game is very stressful to the mind, and it is anything but fun.

And there are too many players that I can't beat, and many more that I will never ever win against. I must admit that this is probably the limit of my talent, and I can't see myself improving significantly from here. It could happen, but I am sick of gazing upon the stars. Chess is no longer where my heart lies, and I don't have the iron will to make myself a better player anymore.

I guess I am calling it a day.

Fleeting sanity

2007-01-25T13:17:00.000+08:00

I suspect that there are some loose nuts and bolts in my head right now, because in these two days I have been wondering what the hell is becoming of me. My mind seems to be occupied with nothing but the thoughts of her. Sounds very corny, I know, but that is exactly what that is happening. No matter what I try to do to kill off my time, the same few thoughts come into my mind - call her, text her, talk to her.

And more often than not, it is irresistable to do what my brain tells me to do. So I always end up calling her without anything to say at all. Sending text message with absolutely no content. It's as though I want her to know that I am here, wanting an acknowledgement of my existence. What causes this desperation, I don't know, but what's certain is that I am losing control of my own thoughts. Worse still, I have no idea why!

Clinging onto my fleeting sanity, I can hardly concentrate on what I do or focus on the tasks at hand. None of what I read goes into my mind, and my attention span on everything is shrinking. All I want to do is to look into her eyes, and talk to her. I find myself staring at the screen, with the thinnest slice of hope everytime there is an online alert from MSN Messenger. And holding the phone, waiting for a text message that she would never send. And all that amount to more senseless messages from me to her.

Slowly but surely, I am turning into a nuisance and a form of annoyance. I can even feel the hatefulness that I am going to induce in her if I continue to do this. But yet I am couldn't restrain myself and keep sliding down into this bottomless pit of helplessness.

I don't want to be like this. I want back my old, temperate self. There are plenty of works that I have to do other than thinking about you, but yet you are the only subject on my mind ALL DAY LONG.

I probably need a brain surgery or a real hard knock in my head. I am on the verge on insanity and madness.

Shit.

Butterfly love

2007-01-22T23:51:00.000+08:00

A day of walking back and forth in Orchard, looking for you.

A day of wandering around in Holland Village. Looking at pets. Eating cup cakes.

A lecture with someone sitting next to me playing Sudoku.

A short trip to heaven, literally, in the capsule of G-max.

A dinner by the river.

A day with lots of comfortable talks and laughters.

What a wonderful day it was. But only a day.

I wish I could tell you how much I like you, but that would be very selfish to do.

It's painful to say goodbye, but I will have to let you go.

Random entry

2007-01-20T17:12:00.000+08:00

I think I have just heard the best song that I have ever heard in my life. It's quite an old song entitled Part Of Your World, which is a soundtrack of Disney classic The Little Mermaid. With a marvellous vocal by Jodi Benson, a soothing music that perfectly matches the mood of the song, and mellifluous lyrics, it's definitely the best song that I have ever heard in my life so far. There are several songs that I particularly like, but Part Of Your World tops them all. I have been playing this song on a loop for almost an hour now, and yes, I absolutely love it!

Been hogging the gym recently, hoping to burn away those extra fat by torturing myself on the treadmill. Running is extremely frustrating if you tire out after a while, but it can be quite enjoyable if you have the endurance to push yourself on and on. I love to hear my heart beats.

Tutorials and labs start next week! Meaning less opportunity to laze around and more sleepless nights if I want to achieve my target for this semester. Will I be a hardworking student or a wishful daydreamer? I wish I knew!

And the thing that I have been anticipating for since the last week - I will finally see her on Monday! I don't know if you could call it a date, but whatever it is, I can't wait for it! It's actually quite amazing that I feel so strongly for her because all we did was chat online. Well, I guess I am really excited now! Looking forward to a wonderful outing with her. *Grins*

Where does the heart lie?

2007-01-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

My first crush is the first girl who had attracted me (duh?). Currently in Thailand.

My second crush is living together with his boyfriend.

My third crush is in a healthy relationship with someone else. Bless you.

My fourth crush is still single and available.

My fifth crush is a very beautiful Ipoh girl. Lost contact with her.

My sixth crush is a great chess player. Had my first ever date (semi-date?) with her. In a healthy relationship with someone else.

My seventh crush is in Hong Kong, but that was a very impulsive one. Still chat online sometimes.

My eight crush is still with her boyfriend now. Good thing because came to the realisation that we belong to totally different world.

My ninth crush is the sister of the my eight crush. Same as above.

And the most recent one is flying to Australia. What's going to happen? I don't know!

Remorse

2007-01-17T18:41:00.000+08:00

It has been a full month since the last time I saw my father lying on his deathbed, struggling for every gasp of breath. Recently, I have been a little bit more philosophical than usual, more so when I think back of what I have said and done to my father.

To my father, my birth was the greatest joy of his life. He has always wanted a son, which was why he decided to give it a shot again when he was already in his mid-forties. And god bless, he got what he had wished for in his life - me.

It was obvious that he loved me much more than my two sisters. He bought me expensive toys and latest gaming consoles just to make me happy. I still remember whenever my mother was about to beat me up, I will always run up to my dad and hide behind him. In many ways, he was a great dad.

But he made a slight mistake, and that proved to be a very crucial tipping point - he didn't communicate enough with me. Being showered with gifts is wonderful, but I needed a dad who would embrace and talk to me - a dad who would communicate with me. My mother did that, but not my dad. Hence, we had never been too close as father and son even until the last beat of his heart.

Whenever he talked to me, it would be questions about why I performed worse than my fellow classmates, even though I would be the top student regularly. He had a propensity to pin-point my negatives and neglect my positives. While that might be an encouragement to work even harder, at times I felt like I needed some acknowledgement for what I had done, and not someone who would point out every single trivial mistake that I made despite many other good things that I did. Therefore, conversation with my dad was often tense and full of conflict.

Several years ago, his life was completely twisted when he was diagnosed with the Parkinson's Disease, which caused his nerve activities to degenerate slowly, effectively robbing away his mobility. At first, he would be able to walk, despite being a slow walker, but soon enough, he would require assistance to get to where he wanted to go to. Eventually, he had to give up and relied on a wheelchair, despite his utter despise of it. At this point though, he was powerless to offer any resistance, since he could barely move freely anymore. The whole process was a very painful transition to witness.

Parkinson's Disease itself doesn't actually kill, but unfortunately for my dad, he got an infection on his foot after bruising it slightly - only slightly. Being a diabetes patient, that proved to be fatal. Coupled with his Parkinson's Disease, doctor said that there would be no cure, except for an amputation. And even that only gives a speck of hope of complete recovery. My dad chose not to amputate, and within a year, his leg was completely ruined, slowly rotting and hardly recognisable as a human foot anymore. Imagine having such a foot attached to your own body, it's horror.

The spread of the germs was finally too much for my father's body to cope with, and he went into a coma towards the last week of his life, one in which he would never wake up from again. Having bore such a great burden in the last few years of his life, he could finally rest in peace.

His will to live on was admirable. Sometimes it was clear from his expressions that he was very frustrated with the multitude of things that he couldn't do, yet he complained very little. Putting myself in his position, I wonder if I can even live on. Not only am I barely able to move, but I feed on plain crushed food every single day to keep myself alive. The son whom I loved so much left me for his study just when I needed him the most. I have no friends, jailed in my own house with no social life. What a toil and what a torment. It's painful to just be alive that way.

Father, for all the hopes that you have placed on me, it's saddening that you wouldn't be able to see my life beyond graduation. But I promise you that I will make you a proud father if you were alive. You will not be disappointed again by this son that you have loved so much.

I dedicate my life to you.

Back on board

2007-01-15T10:02:00.000+08:00

The chess board, to be exact.

At the request of the chess team manager, I am rejoining the chess team.

Am I a great player? I don't know. If anything, I am definitely a player of self-doubt. Never have I been confident that I will win a game. Nor am I able to make precise analysis during a game. My mind just seems messy and muddy during games, making moves and hoping for things to happen.

Yet I am able to grind out results in many games. Greatness or luck? Again, I don't know.

It's a good thing to win, but sometimes even I myself am bemused with my own victory. Some dubious moves somehow turn out to be a spectacular combination that resulted in a majestic win, even though it wasn't planned to be that way!

And that is exactly what happened during the varsity competition last semester. By luck or chance, I pulled off some impressive moves - against some of the best players. Because of that everyone think that this average Joe is gonna be the next big thing.

What's worse is that now they are inviting me to play for the team this semester, thinking that I am really great.

And the worst thing? Competition begins tomorrow, and I haven't touched chess pieces for months. Hopefully I won't lose all my games.

SHIT!

I'm lovin' it

2007-01-11T18:40:00.000+08:00

Recently, I have come to realise that I actually do enjoy studying in NUS a lot. Reasons being:

1. Nobody cares whether or not you are in a lecture or class. Being able to be absent from classes whenever I want to makes me go "Woooohoo!"

2. The casual dressing code in NUS. While students in Malaysia are almost eligible to be beauty pageants or magazine models, it's a common sight to see students sporting plain T-shirt, shorts and slippers in NUS. During the sizzling days, being able to dress down without getting laughed at is a blessing.

3. With the ability to make a little money, I feel empowered. The days of buying without the guilt of spending someone else's money are finally here!

4. I can get to anywhere with buses. My phobia towards driving makes me somewhat crippled in Malaysia. But in Singapore, I am able to go out meeting someone alone or get stuff done by myself. Which is VERY good.

Am wishing to see you soon.

Bloody Crumpler!

2007-01-11T15:22:00.000+08:00

159 dollars. What was I thinking? Fuck! Like it a lot anyway!

Believe none of what you heard, half of what you see

2007-01-10T15:24:00.000+08:00

Surprisingly, my friend and I were motivated enough to attend the Maths lecture at 8 this morning. For the record, we skipped every class before 10 during the previous semester, so today was quite an achievement for us. 30 minutes into the lecture however, I was half asleep, while my friend was already lying on the floor at the back - asleep, with an ugly pose. People who saw him at that time probably think that he is among the likeliest to drop out of NUS. I chuckled, however, knowing that this guy lying awkwardly next to me is a perfect score student.

Random thoughts

2007-01-09T10:16:00.000+08:00

With the first day of the second semester already over, the new semester has officially commenced. Unlike the previous semester, I am much more comfortable with things around me this time, having familiarised myself with the various systems and proceedings in NUS. I seriously hope that I can keep my own words of being a good student this semester. The first checkpoint will be to attend all the lectures and tutorials, and to study more during free time instead of playing. If I can lose sleep playing games, why not lose sleep studying instead?

I actually enjoy talking to people. Just that sometimes it feels a bit weird to have those moments of silence, especially with someone who is not very close to you. Also, I notice that my communication skill seems to vary. At times, I can be eloquent and everything I say is mellifluous, but sometimes my tongue seems to be stucked at every single word that I want to say. Weird!

No matter how hard I try to be outgoing, I still find that I enjoy living in my own world more. However, being in Singapore helps me to be more outgoing compared to when I am in Malaysia - simply because public transport can get me to practically everywhere. In Malaysia, very often you need a car to go to town, and I have always had some phobia with driving since the several close shaves that could have turned my car into a heap of wrecked metals, or have some pedestrians killed. Given the options, I will really choose to be a passenger rather than shouldering the responsibility of taking control of the wheel. Hence I go out very rarely in Malaysia. Will try to visit more places in Singapore this year.

Planning to spend a semester abroad during my second or third year. This idea of experiencing a student's life abroad just suddenly seem very attractive to me, after seeing many foreign students coming to Singapore. Australia is currently my choice, since in many ways it is a very similar to an Asian city. Of course, I will have to cut some budget starting from now if I wanted to join an exchange programme.

Speaking of money, its importance has begin to surface ever since I am on my own in university. People say that being poor allow you to cherish what you have, but that is completely untrue if you are so poor that you can't get what you want to cherish in the first place!

My 2006 - Dissected

2007-01-05T17:20:00.000+08:00

You have left us. I'm sorry that I disobeyed you often, but deep in my heart, I am secretly proud to have your blood running in my veins. It was bitter to see you suffering during the days before your death. Please rest in peace now, father. I'm okay.

8 months of holidays in Malaysia was a boost after 2 school years. Had some weird jobs of promoting a talent competition in colleges and selling chips in LRT stations. Very enjoyable time although tiring. Loves my friends in Malaysia.

Offered to study with scholarship in NUS, reading Mechanical Engineering. Study environment is marvellous, but social life is completely wrecked. Lost confidence with myself often when talking to others, and begin to shy away from people. Made very little new friends, almost none actually, except for the few in my cluster, whom I really appreciate a lot. A little depressed about it sometimes, and slowly turned into quite an anti-social.

Already completed 1 semester in NUS, another month of holiday in Malaysia. Mingled with friends again, and that breathed new life into me, allowing me to rediscover my self-worth. Right now I seriously cannot live on without them. They are real friends that I cherish a lot. Hopefully this renewed confidence will carry me through the second semester in NUS.

Serendipitously discovered a way of making easy money with Maple Story, and earned several thousand dollars with it. Am really proud with myself with that achievement, as it's a testament that gaming is not useless as many say. Bought a new laptop and various stuff with those money, and am very satisfied with life financially.

Still no girlfriend of course, as the first semester was a social abyss for myself. Have to strive to be more proactive in the future to make more new friends. I can't say I don't need someone who loves me right now.

New year resolutions? Trim my body. Study really, really hard and score good grades. Treasure everyone around me. Make more friends. Continue making money. Write more. Smile more.

Self-discipline - the lack of it

2006-12-20T17:52:00.000+08:00

Discipline is definitely something that is lacking in my character.

I think I should update this blog frequently to improve my language command, yet I never manage to keep it active for more than several days.

I think I should go for a jog every morning or evening to curb with my bulging stomach, but I never do.

I know I should be studying when exam is near, yet I will somehow end up wasting the whole day doing nonsense in front of my computer.

I seriously doubt that I can trust myself anymore.

Fixing a nasty fixation

2006-07-18T05:01:00.000+08:00

I consider myself to be quite a gaming freak. Those who are close to me or have lived with me can probably testify my gaming level of intensity. While I probably will not play to the extent of killing myself like some psychotic Japanese did, I do compromise sleep and meal occasionally.

Of all the games I have played so far, I realised that MMORPG is the genre that I should NEVER ever touch. I must admit that I am the type who strive for the best in any game that I play, such as getting the best available items or be among the elites of the game. Not kiasuism or whatever, it's just the need to satiate my own lust for supremacy. In MMORPG, it is normally difficult to get the best gears and be a godly character. Hence plenty of time investment is necessary if you want achievement. And that is exactly what I do when I play MMORPG.

I stumbled upon Maple Story after hearing about it from my friends, and I spent close to 50 days on that game. There was no social life for me during the 50 days, with most of the time spent on gaming. If I were to categorise what I did during that period, it would be 'Gaming' and 'Miscellaneous', with sleeping and eating included in that group because I spent so little time on them. But it was fortunate that I slammed on the brake before thing got worse and worse. I sold my account for a cheap amount and quitted the game completely. However, my final exam was just around the corner, so it had an adverse effect on my result, which I still find regrettable now.

That was the story tracing back to last year's October.

A few days ago, I decided that my boredom justifies a re-download of Maple Story. Of course, I am playing Maple Story now - in fact, all the time. The new features and worlds are rather exhilarating to explore, and in the past few days I have spent quite a lot of time on that game. No finals this time, but university will commence soon. I will probably be playing quite a lot of Maple Story in the next week, but after that I probably will have to exercise some stringent measures to curb my addiction (I can foresee it coming).

I do not want another long spell of Maple addiction this time. Once beaten, twice shy.

The imminent return

2006-07-14T01:33:00.000+08:00

When the final A-level paper finished, the eight months of holiday ahead seemed like an unending period of joy and relaxation. If people can complain about a one-hour class being long and tedious, then eight months must be several order of magnitude longer than that. And thus, this is definitely paradise after hell.

In fact, it was. I had a rather satisfying holiday to get my mind off study and bond back with my friends and family members. During the first few months, it did feel like an eternity. But time crawls ahead when you are asleep. And now, the wonderland trip is about to be over. To be exact, that will be 17 days more, where I will be heading south to the little puny island on the 1st of August.

Things that are probably going to be different:

1. Definitely no more DotA for me. My bad DotA habit kicked in again after a few months of lay-off, and has been plaguing me ever since until now. Considering that I will be leaving my laptop at home and Blueserver is virtually unplayable in Singapore, I should be able to finally retire from DotA once and for all. At least that's the plan :)

2. There will definitely be a huge social shock when I return to Singapore again. I reckon that the environment in NUS will probably be very competitive with all those so-called "friendly rivalry". No more going out late at night to loiter at mamak stall and no more football with my familiar ring of friends. Gonna be really boring unless I find something interesting to keep myself occupied.

3. I can imagine myself studying a lot for the first few months. Honestly, I am dumber than an average JC student now since I have practically not touched anything related to Mathematics or Physics during the entire holiday. Unless I work hard, I will definitely have a few difficult first months during my course.

4. Number of female friends who interest me. At least I hope that there will be an increment. As the situation currently stands, there is a grand total of two girl friends who attract me at the moment. Not very likely to make this aspect of sociology interesting. Therefore, I am actually hoping that it will be more happening in Singapore and hopefully I will get to know one or two hot chicks who are fun!

5. Not sure about this, but I plan to be a health freak who jogs everyday and visit the gym thrice a week. In fact, the conscience of health is already showing now, because I actually jog and walk my dog rather frequently during the evening. Hopefully this healthy habit will carry on when I am in Singapore. I don't want to have an ever-increasing waistline!

6. Last but not the least, my lack of awareness towards money will be very likely to settle in again. I find myself to be quite willing to splash the cash in Singapore, often to the point of near bankruptcy. I thought I will have more pocket money with my scholarship this time, but it turns out that I will be having less. Exercising tight budget control is a must, or I will find myself eating two slices of plain Gardenia for my meal - three times a day.

Singapore beckons!

A few subtle things

2006-07-13T02:52:00.000+08:00

These are really minor things that I would like to get off my chest:

1. My friend just said that he feels really disappointed with something that I said about him. It wasn't directly spoken to me, but I feel bad everytime someone feels disappointed or annoyed with me. I have always hoped that I am someone who can please the crowd and make everyone around me happy. But it turns out I am quite a social failure although I try to project a pleasant personality most of the time, and I am aware of that. Being ignored is one thing, but being despised is heart-wrecking.

2. Hot girls are normally cocky and think highly of themselves. But I met one who is really nice recently. So fun to talk to, and she doesn't ignore me. Love, perhaps? Probably not, so for now I will be adopting the friend-who-will-be-there-when-you-need-him type of approach. Hopefully she feels pleasant to have me around.

3. I am afraid of losing things that are dear to me. I really am afraid of losing my friends, my loved ones and even my dog. I had a rather unfortunate dream yesterday of losing someone who I am currently infatuated with, and the worst part of it? To one of my own best friend. Strangely, the dream still bother me a little now, although tens of waking hours have already passed. Perhaps I really am possessive.

4. I am leaving Malaysia soon, again. Having spent months here in Malaysia, everything will be so different in a month. The past two years in Singapore have crumbled my social confidence. Hopefully I will enjoy a more pleasant spell this time and not becoming another pariah again. It is a pain to be forgotten. It is even more painful if it happens twice.

5. People that I have met say that I am smart. Am I? I don't know. I get good grades sometimes, but is that what being smart is? When I was younger, all I had to do was study, and nothing else. Therefore, everyone says I am a smart boy. But as I grow up, there are so many more things in life other than study, and thus my comfort zone gets smaller and smaller. I am no good in most of the things I do, other than able to achieve half-decent grades in studying. I feel worthless sometimes.

6. A girl told me that if she were to describe me with a word, it will be 'special'. I wonder what is that supposed to mean?

On the brink

2006-01-14T02:20:00.000+08:00

Trying too hard to sound clever, I must admit that my posts are sounding more and more serious - and hence boring, often to the point of being soporific. The tone that I am employing recently is land and sea compared to that of Xanga. Just for the fun of it, perhaps I could use some levity in my language today to revive the more entertaining tone that has been long deprived of attention. A smiley looks fit for a start. =)

Knowing that a day will come when driving will be necessary for romantic purpose, I went out for some practice in my Kancil with my mother next to me. And then I almost got into a freaking car crash. I could've easily fried my license at that instant because I was too lazy to bother putting up 'P'. Basically I almost collided with a car that sped out from a junction suddenly as I was heading straight at a steady speed. In that moment of madness, I steered into the neighbouring lane and swerved back to my lane right after. Thanks to a little slice of luck, there was no car oncoming from the opposite lane or else a head-on crash will be unavoidable.

But my mother appeared to be shocked by that incident more than I do. Maybe I play too much video games, or perhaps I went through a similar scenario in the past (which involved my friend, myself, a bike, another car coming out of junction, and some real crashing action). Either way things returned to the way they were shortly after and it was quite an experience to escape from such a near miss.

Back home, it is sad to discover that my dog Scubby has yet to recuperate from his sickness. He has gone for two days without any food, probably losing his appetite, moved very little and looked very ill. Despite having a vet to prescribe some medicine, his health seems to be in quite a dire situation, thus I fear that we may be losing him in the next couple of days. It is a pain to see something dear to you having his life force drained away slowly.

Hopefully Scubby will be granted the strength to see this through.

"I'm bored"

2006-01-11T00:55:00.000+08:00

I must have said that for the gazillionth time since the inception of my loooooooong holiday.

In an ideal case, I should not even have time to ponder about boredom. My healthy schedule will consist of a short jog every morning before I go off to work, complemented by reading and drawing to fill up the leisure time. Life sounds so meaningful when drafted on a piece of paper.

But life deviates so much in reality, probably due to my lack of fondness towards regulated life. Actually, I am just lazy. Knowing that a full-time job will give me no more than a measly thousand ringgit a month, I opted to stay at home rather than going through the monotonous toil.

Time for a switch to Plan B then.

Having promised myself to read more, I started off with my Harry Potter series. Everything was flowing smoothly until it came to my notice that my fourth book is missing. The idea of skipping a book halfway through the series instantly turned me off - mission aborted with immediate effect.

With absolutely nothing to be done, there is a sudden urge to sharpen my mental faculty a little by taking up drawing. My neurotransmitters must have been malfunctioning. I went to get two sketch books instantly and began crafting my to-be masterpiece, Picasso-style. Hah! The Picasso dream turned into a nightmare at the instant I took a closer look at my masterpiss. And so the passion died on the same day it was born.

Despite various other attempts - chatting, gaming, movies, comics - to drive away the boredom, the results are often ephemeral. At the end of the day I will find myself staring blank at the screen, muttering the two words under my breath yet again.

I'm bored for the gazillion-and-oneth time.

Of friends

2006-01-06T22:41:00.000+08:00

Friends who are... really friends. They are so close to you and have gone through so many years of joy and toil by your side. The common ground is so solid that they are an immense part of your social life.
They are... the classmates of your teenage years, your neighbours, your childhood friends, your colleagues, your roommates.
When you meet them in a mall you... don't feel anything because you are so used to seeing them. You proceed to join them if they are available and have fun together.
The idea of the tea session is... fabulous. There is always something to talk about, and silence is tolerable whenever topic runs out. Everything becomes a topic with them around - relationship, sex, money, cars. You just enjoy their company and feel comfortable to act like yourself.
10 years down the road... you will be seeing them around once in a while, but of course it is impossible to be as close as the all of you used to be. The memory of them will remain in your life, and the thought of it makes you go "Those were the days..."

Friends who are... friends, but conversation between you and them is limited and you don't really know much about them. There is communication but there are reservations about each other.
They are... some of your more reclusive classmates, your schoolmates, tuition friends, part-time colleagues, your siblings' friends, internet friends.
When you meet them in a mall you... are natural, but you do not volunteer yourself to join them. You hesitate upon their request and then proceed to join them if you think it's fun.
The idea of a tea session is... okay. There is no awkwardness with them around and you do not mind to catch up with the latest happenings around them. You will offer to pay at the end of the session.
10 years down the road... you have the faintest memory of them. There may be an occasional phone call or e-mail from some of you, but otherwise contact is limited to festival cards. At least you do care about them.

Friends who are... friends, because you are too polite to not acknowledge them as one. You don't really know much about them, and they are exactly the kind of person that you find uncomfortable to be with. You avoid communication with them whenever possible.
They are... people who brag too much, insensitive people, people who take advantage of you, people that you just have trouble communicating with
When you meet him in a mall you... try not to let them see you. If they somehow spot you, you put up a fake surprised look and yell "Hi!" cheerfully. You pretend to hesitate when they ask you to join them (out of gesture) and proceed to fabricate a lie about how your (insert random relatives) is sick.
The idea of a tea session is... dreadful. You know that the silence is inevitable, you fear it, and you avoid it like a parasite. A tea session is equivalent of a nightmare with naked zombies strangling your neck. Or worse.
10 years down the road... they will be oblivion. You remember that 10 years ago someone used to instil fear in you all the time but you can't remember who is it.

Friends who are... sexually attractive to you. They are of course, of opposite gender. You have a crush on them because they are absolutely stunning. Communication may or may not be limited, depending on the circumstances.
They are... everywhere unless you are abnormal. This includes your classmates, your colleagues, your neighbour, your internet friends, the girl next door, the girl at the bakery.
When you meet her in the mall you... are shy but excited at the same time. You either go to another mall or you feel a sudden rush of courage and go straight up to her. Whatever happens next is unpredictable. Commonly result in embarassment of self.
The idea of a tea session is... exciting! But you know it's not gonna happen, too bad.
10 years down the road... you attend her wedding dinner and you feel either depressed because another beautiful lady is married or feel grateful because that fat lady is taken by some unlucky guy. You act natural anyway because your wife is next to you.

And there, friends in all varieties.

The waning voice

2006-01-03T18:20:00.000+08:00

It has been very long since I last wrote a blog entry. My last Xanga entry is dated June 13th, so that brings my blogging hiatus close to the six months mark. Of course in between this interval there were several attempts to awaken the slumbering blogger in me, albeit all of them abortive.

If time is a car, then it has to be a Ferrari - Year 2006 has just arrived. While it is tempting to make resolutions to kick-start my year, I decided to do otherwise since they will probably be banished to oblivion anyway. As every other new year day, people are lulled into a false sense of hope that they will have a more fruitful year ahead. A new year is considered the start of a new cycle by many, but unfortunately life does not consist of cycles in which we are able to make a fresh start every year. It is easy to understand why life is commonly perceived as cycles, as many of us live a periodic life with periodic activities surrounding us - school terms, work, and football seasons to name a few. Rather than cycles, life is a continuous voyage in which there is no return to the starting point. Hence, I find new year resolutions to be irrelevant and redundant, although I will not object such practice if someone finds it psychologically beneficial.

Having returned to Malaysia three weeks ago upon completing my A-levels, the carefree life of my post-SPM life two years ago reenacts itself. Alone, and with so much free time and so little interesting things to do, it will only be natural for me to be suffering from boredom and uncertainties of where my life is heading. I have a strange propensity to torture myself from within when I am bored - conjuring miserable thoughts of exaggerated sadness and loneliness, at times to the point of tears. Kind of an emotional torture. At the same time, the memories of time and people in Singapore seem to be so distant and impalpable, as though school life of NJC and the hostel life of HCIBS belong to another dimension. I am sure I will feel the same way of the life here in Malaysia when I return to Singapore to pursue my education this coming August.

And love, ah. My love life has always been sour and forgettable, sadly. But life always give a tiny speck of light that keeps us going on when we fall into complete darkness. And so I have fallen into the cruel game of love again - with two sisters this time. Internet friends for three years and still going, have yet to meet in real life, and has been seeing each other through webcam recently. I find the younger sister to be absolutely stunning, but then I made the deadly sin of impulsively telling the older sister that I 'kind of like her'. Things get complicated due to the fact that she likes me too. After realising what stupidity I have committed, I restricted topics of love and relationship with the older sister, and luckily, she is clever enough to know that it is her younger sister whom I truly like. And she is nice enough to encourage me to get something started with her younger sister. It does not seems to be this straight-forward though, so I decided to put a halt on everything and take a break. How complicated. Leaves me longing for the sweet and simple romance that some enjoy.

And so, my waning voice has finally spoken. May it be heard again in the near future. Perhaps the long dormant voice will soon be dominant.